“Fly the friendly skies!”

“There’s no better way to fly.”

“Austrian. Like a smile in the sky.”

Just a few of the snappy airline slogans I’ve heard through the years. The most memorable slogan was “We don’t smile because we’re serious about making you happy.” That was the slogan of Russia’s Aeroflot Airlines in the early l990’s.

I booked my first international flight with Aeroflot. I should have paid more attention to the slogan.

The date was January 7, l994. Our family was moving from Alaska to Russia, carrying all our earthly goods in 22 assorted footlockers and suitcases. We anxiously boarded our Aeroflot flight and buckled up in anticipation of our trip over the pole from Anchorage to Moscow.

The stewardess strolled down the aisle as the plane taxied to the runway. She looked bored, and true to the airline slogan there were no smiles. Also, no English.

Since verbal communication was limited, we relied on our powers of observation to discern the rules of Russian airline travel. Here is a partial listing of our findings:

1. Seats were not assigned. Fortunately, this flight was relatively empty, so it wasn’t a problem. Later we learned to throw an elbow and fight our way to the head of the crowd so we could race to find seats together. Often, I’d send my husband ahead with our carry-on luggage. Giving his best impression of a football player, he’d barge through the mob, find seats and throw our carry-ons down to reserve the seats. The politer members of the family were still trying to figure out where the line began. Of course, there was no line – it was a free-for-all.

 

2. Overhead storage bins remained open during take-off or landing. I sat with my hands protectively covering my head for most of the flight, after seeing a fellow passenger narrowly escape permanent brain injury from a falling piece of luggage.

 

3. Tray tables remained lowered during take-off and landing. This rule thrilled my son. He laid his head on the table and periodically mumbled, “We’re going to die,” for the duration of the flight. He was our in-flight entertainment.

 

4. People carried food and drinks on the flight. Passengers opened their bulging carry-on bags and pulled out a veritable feast of kolbasa sausage, brown bread, and vodka with a side of cigarettes for dessert. The smell of greasy kolbasa mixed with cigarette smoke is forever burned into my nasal passages.

5. Toilet paper and soap disappeared after the first hour of our nine-hour flight. Water and flushing toilets were also in short supply. I ceased drinking liquids after my first (and last) foray into the flying outhouse. Dehydration was my preferred option.

 

6. Seat backs didn’t recline, but they could lean forward. Passengers simply pushed the seat backs in front of them down flat, then propped up their feet. The economy class version of a recliner. (Advisory: the seat in front of you must be empty.)

 

7. The carpet in the aisle wasn’t attached to the floor. I tripped over the loose carpet exposing the metal floor of the plane. I quickly checked for stress fractures or holes, and then returned the carpet to its original position.

 

8. Passengers clapped and cheered for the pilot as the plane touched down for a landing. The celebration seemed appropriate on an airline with the nickname “Aeroflop.”

 

The memory of that flight makes me smile. It marked the beginning of a life of adventure and travel. I learned two valuable lessons on that flight:

Always carry a pack of Kleenex when you visit the restroom.

Stop drinking liquids 12 hours before a flight.

Over our years in Russia, Aeroflot’s service did improve and included a few smiles. But I still love the custom of clapping when a plane lands safely.

If you hear random clapping as a U.S. flight lands, look around, it might be me….